I have a confession.
My name is Danielle, and I’m easily annoyed by anything and everything.
There, I said it.
My friends and family have grown accustomed to my rants about people who insist on backing into parking spaces or stopping right in the middle of a busy walkway to collect their thoughts. And don’t even get me started on those who take their shoes off on planes! From multiple sneezers to folks who punctuate their sentences with “right?”, there’s no shortage of human behaviors that can drive me up a wall.
Now, let’s take this penchant for annoyance into my corporate life, where colleagues easily triggered me into a state of perpetual frustration. Excuse-makers, problem-finders without solutions, and those who require explicit, detailed instructions to get the job done could send me into a blind rage.
On the surface, I could attribute my general agitation to my fiery Italian heritage and my naturally perceptive nature. But if I’m being honest, I had to acknowledge that I was investing way too much energy in being bothered by behaviors I couldn’t control.
It took me years to realize that my constant state of annoyance had more to do with me than with those who offended my delicate sensibilities. The real issue wasn’t everyone around me; it was me.
Here’s the hard truth that nobody talks about - the people who frustrate us the most embody the traits we don’t give ourselves permission to express.
Think about it for a moment.
Have you ever felt irritated by a colleague who dominates conversations, hogging the spotlight in meetings? Perhaps that frustration stems from your belief that true leadership is rooted in quiet humility. Or maybe the person who skillfully navigates inconvenient rules gets under your skin because you’ve always been taught to play it safe and follow the rules.
Regardless of your individual triggers, if you show me your annoying colleagues, I’ll show you your unwritten rules about what it takes to be accepted in the workplace.
Unpacking Our Rules
Without diving too deep into human psychology, let’s just say that our upbringing, societal expectations, and workplace norms conspire to make us repress or deny certain aspects of ourselves to function in groups. We hold ourselves accountable to both conscious and unconscious rules about how to behave, seeking success while avoiding negative judgment and preserving the good opinion of others.
When we encounter someone who embodies the very traits we’ve told ourselves to suppress, it triggers a reaction because they mirror our repressed selves back to us and violate our conditions for acceptance.
This is how I found myself seething in parking lots, fuming on walkways, and completely grossed out on planes. Those individuals were violating my personal civility rules.
But here’s the kicker: the only person upset by these interactions was me. I wasted too much valuable time and energy fixating on the indiscretions of others instead of asking myself what I could learn from these triggering experiences.
Using Our Annoyances as a Growth Tool
What if every time someone rubbed us the wrong way, we seized the opportunity for self-reflection and growth? Here’s how to flip the script and transform frustration into personal development:
1️⃣ Identify the Trigger: start by pinpointing what specifically annoys you. Get granular. Is it their habit of interrupting? Their constant need for attention? Write it down and explore the specific behavior that violates your boundaries.
2️⃣ Ask the Hard Question: Once you’ve identified the behavior, ponder this: “What part of me doesn’t allow this?” If assertiveness irritates you, it might stem from the belief that assertiveness equates to aggression. If a laid-back attitude bothers you, it could reflect your internal pressure to perform relentlessly. Acknowledge what’s being mirrored back to you.
3️⃣ Reframe the Behavior: Instead of labeling the behavior as purely negative, consider reframing it as a lesson. If your chatty coworker disrupts your day, could they be reminding you to loosen up and be more approachable? If someone’s constant need for clarification annoys you, might it model the clarity and thoroughness you need to embrace?
4️⃣ Lean into It: If a colleague’s behavior truly gets under your skin, challenge yourself to do a version of what you’re avoiding. Is their boldness irritating? Try speaking up more. Annoyed by their tendency to take credit? Start owning your accomplishments. You might neutralize your annoyance or at least become less sensitive to their habits.
5️⃣ Rewrite Your Rules: Question your unwritten rules and rewrite them to embrace your authentic self. Most of these rules have never been examined for effectiveness. Ask yourself how grounded in reality your rules are, and how you can release those that no longer serve you.
So, what’s the takeaway here?
Simply put: the people who annoy us most often reflect parts of ourselves we’ve been suppressing. Those who are wise enough to seize these moments for self-reflection can challenge their unwritten rules about what it takes to earn acceptance.
I wish I could claim the title of "Sage Adult" who gains wisdom from these experiences, but I still find myself fuming over the perceived indiscretions of others. I have a lot of rules about not drawing attention to myself or inconveniencing others for my own gain.
Yet, every now and then, I catch myself mid-tantrum and remember: this is my chance to peel back the layers of my beliefs and ask:
What is this really about?
This kind of self-reflection isn’t easy, but it presents one of our greatest opportunities for personal growth. When we recognize that our frustrations mirror our insecurities and untold stories, we can begin to rewrite the rules that confine us.
We can grant ourselves the freedom to show up authentically, without the fear of judgment or rejection from those we rely on to succeed.
So, the next time someone at work sends your irritation soaring, take a deep breath and ask yourself: what part of myself do I need to set free?
Because, in the end, becoming a better leader—and a happier human—starts with embracing the parts of ourselves we’ve been too afraid to let out. And that, my friends, is where the real transformation begins. You’ve got this.
Danielle Terranova is the voice behind Leadership Lessons with Danielle.
She has been an executive coach since 2015 and owner of Terranova Consulting, LLC since 2019.